OFFICIANT (to congregation):

Ladies and gents, we’re here today because _________ and _________ have said to one another, “Honey, I love you so much I’ve just gotta get the government involved!”

Seriously, though. Thank you all so much for joining us. (_________ and _________) have asked that this be a fun ceremony, so we’re here to have a good time these next few minutes while we get this hitching done, then we’ll all have even more fun when we get to the reception. This thing isn’t gonna start itself, so let’s get to it!

OFFICIANT (to congregation):

We hold marriage up as a tradition in this country, and we’ve debated over it a lot in the last few decades, but at the end of the day, why do we do it? I made the joke in the intro about loving each other so much we’re going to get the government involved, but is that all it really is?Of course not! It’s a tradition, yes, but we change traditions all the time, and we keep the essence of those traditions alive in their new forms. So nowadays marriage isn’t what it used to be when Ralph Kramden promised to knock his loving wife Alice “straight to the moon!” night after night in the fifties - _________ you’re definitely not allowed to do that. At all. And neither are you, _________. Nobody is allowed to knock anybody straight to the moon, no matter how hairy things get.

Ahh… There it is. The crux of why we do this marriage thing. Sure, it’s a lot of work. Sure it takes a lot of compromise. But at the end of the day, when you’re married, you’ve got someone to come home to. You’ve got someone who’s promised to love you no matter how smelly your socks get, or no matter how bad your mood is, or no matter what the universe decided to drop on your head this week. And you’ve got someone to have spaghetti fights in the kitchen with. Someone to laugh at the same silly inside jokes with. After a while, you’ll find you’ve even got someone you share a little inside language with.

We do marriage because it helps to have someone around to walk through life with.

OFFICIANT (to couple):

_________, _________, I can’t think of two people more suited through life together than you. In the time we’ve gotten to know each other, you’ve certainly both made me smile, and I’ve seen that your marriage will be built on a foundation of love and trust, and that’s the best shot any of us can give it. You’ll need to depend on that foundation of trust and of love throughout your marriage. You’ll need to be more patient than you’ve ever had to be before. You’ll experience higher highs, and lower lows than ever before, but now you’ll be in it together - for good.

With that in mind, let’s check some legal boxes, shall we?

OFFICIANT (to _________):

_________ Do you take _________ to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife/partner, to love and comfort him/her/them for better or worse, in sickness and health, and reap any and all tax benefits for as long as you both shall live?

OFFICIANT (to _________):

_________ Do you take _________ to be your lawfully wedded husband/wife/partner, to love and comfort him/her/them for better or worse, in sickness and health, and reap any and all tax benefits for as long as you both shall live?

OFFICIANT (to _________):

Okay, _________, now it’s time to put a ring on it. Repeat after me, please. _________ I give you this ring as a symbol that I will love you, honor you, cherish you, and that I’ll let you have the remote every once in a while, and I’ll try to clean up after myself.

OFFICIANT (to _________):

Alright, _________, it’s your turn. Repeat after me, please. _________, I give you this ring as a symbol that I will love you, honor you, cherish you, and that I’ll try not to nag you about spending too much time with the guys/gals, and I may even make you dinner once in a while.

OFFICIANT (to couple):

Well, after that touching exchange, I guess there’s only one thing left to do, and that’s for me to do my part! By the power vested in me by the state of _______________, I now pronounce you husband/wife/partner and husband/wife/partner!

OFFICIANT (to congregation):

Ladies and gents, it gives me great pleasure to present to you Mr./Mrs. And Mr./Mrs. ____________!

OFFICIANT (to congregation):

Well folks, that wraps up the (clears throat) “formal” portion of today’s proceedings. _________ and _________ will greet you in the ______________ before we all meet at (reception location) at (reception time). On behalf of _________ and _________ I’d like to thank you for coming. Now let’s get out of here and get on with the party!